Written by Flower Bomb
One would think that after having years of experience with friends dying a sort of emotional de-sensitivity would develop. But it doesn’t. At least not for me. I hold my friends very close to my heart and make a point of checking in on them frequently. It is easy to do while being acutely aware of the emotional struggles each of my friends struggle with, and while also being willfully unemployed. But year after year I am reminded of the hard fact that no matter how close you hold your friends, someone can always slip through the cracks. Death always finds a way.
I met “T” (author name “Vega”) at the Civ Fucks Zine Fest in LA November 11th 2023. He came up to our table, shy and slightly awkward, and began slowly looking over all of our zines. He decided to take one of each and left. Later on he came back and said “How do you feel about mutual aid?”. We began an hour long conversation, exchanging different ideas in relation to his shared personal story. T was a queer (who rejected gender and didn’t care what pronouns people used for him), vegetarian in the process of going vegan, nihilist who rejected conventional concepts and victimist discourse so often associated with disability, even while struggling with limited mobility himself.
Prior to our meeting T had suffered a serious work-related injury that left him with permanent damage. In addition he struggled with schizophrenia and depression. Despite all of this he absolutely rejected being seen as “broken” or a victim. And he wanted to help others feel the same. I was emotionally moved by his stories of survival and his iron will to survive and help others.
“T, if you write about these things that we’ve talked about here, I will publish them. I will turn them into zines, and publish them on the website and circulate them for others to read!”
T replied:
“Wait… you would really do that? I’ve always thought about writing but...Idk. Would you really publish it like these here?”
“Yes! Absolutely!” I said.
The very next morning I wake up and check my email and sure enough, T has written a text. It’s short, but powerful and reflective of the same conversation we had the day prior.
“T this is fucking awesome! I will get this formatted in a few days and published! Is “T” what you want your author name to be?”
He says:
““Vega”. That’s the name I want as my author name. “Vega”.
I asked him what cover image he’d like for the zine and he asked me to choose. I did a quick google search and found this image of someone in a wheelchair giving the finger. I sent it to him and he responded “Oh shit. That’s me!” We both couldn’t stop laughing because the image was too perfect. And so from that day forward that became his symbol of his idea of surviving against society. I Am Not Broken: Anarcho-Nihilist Disability & Survival Against Industrial Society was released as T’s first publicized text December 19 2023.
Over time T and I talked almost everyday. T shared some poems that I also turned into a zine and published as well. He thanked me profusely as I thanked him as well for working up the courage to share his personal stories. Nothing made me feel happier than to hear his voice when he saw his writing on the website. He was ready to write more. After a month emails began coming through from people who enjoyed his writing. I quickly re-directed them to T who would later thank me again. We cried together over the phone: him crying over feeling like someone actually listened to him, and me over the tragedy that he had went so long without being heard at all.
Life was not at all easy for T. He eventually lost his apartment and was homeless. Our daily talks continued as I tried to keep his spirits up, putting him into direct contact with people who were inspired by him through his writing. But the weight of loneliness and a recent divorce grew heavier by the day. I had come to find out he was using a lot of different drugs and drinking. Despite numerous conversations about him getting sober he continued using. Some of our phone conversations were almost totally incoherent. He began losing track of his belongings and sinking deeper into depression. But he kept fighting. He expressed an iron will to survive at all costs for his daughter and for the sake of helping and inspiring others. Some days he’d be feeling great and thanking me for all my support. Other days he’d be flirting with suicidal temptations which had me on high alert constantly. But then he’d be back up again. One day I decided to try to convince him to temporarily crash with a friend in Portland to sober up. He said that was a good idea. I put my friend from Portland and him in touch and told him to let me know when he was ready to go there and I’d get him there. He thanked me again.
Things were pretty much up and down from there. Some days worse than others.
On June 3rd I texted him wanting to see how he was feeling, and to let him know I would be in his city in a few days to hang out with him and most importantly, give him a huge hug. That same night I got news that despite being familiar, never fails to knock the wind out of me. T aka “Vega” was gone.
I don’t know if it was a suicide-induced or accidental. All I know is that it was an overdose.
I was, and am still currently devastated. I know he won’t answer. But I text him anyways. I know he won’t pick up, but I call anyways. I still have many of his voice texts. Some obviously left while he was fucked up on some shit, and others of him simply expressing his deep appreciation for our friendship.
This is undoubtedly my least favorite type of writing. But I want the world to know just who Vega is. Because he wasn’t active in “the scene” or in the streets, and because he was still a brand new writer, many people have no idea what a wonderful person he was. Despite having very little friends he was incredibly selfless, always willing to help others. He believed so deeply in mutual-aid, even if only a few ever helped him. He was brilliant. His understanding of things was so unique and he related to people in amazing ways.
His determination to survive for his daughter and for the few friends he had leads me to believe this was an accidental overdose. The drug usage, loneliness he struggled with, as well as the depression and limited mobility could have also pushed him over the edge. I will never know for sure. But what I do know for sure is there is yet another hole in my heart, having lost another incredible friend. “Not everyone who uses drugs dies from an overdose lol” – said another friend, who also died from an overdose. There is a silent killer among us all – and it’s not the cops.
Rest in peace my dear friend T… I love you...
“My job couldn’t kill me, it could only tear me down to place me on a path of healing, a path to helping others through their struggles as I was able to work through mine. The pain is not an easy companion but it’s a constant reminder to look after myself and to look after others. This world is a dark, isolating place but I serve as a reminder that we can make it through our darkest times, that a flickering flame may well be the spark that lights industry aflame. We are not weak, only prisoner of the illusion of weakness. If we refuse to crumble under the immense pressures of this world we may cast light into the shadows, bearing witness to transformation and casting aside despair.”
-Vega, “Anarcho-Nihilist Disability&Survival Against Industrial Society”
Comments
A beautiful memorial. My
EmmaAintDead Tue, 06/11/2024 - 13:27
A beautiful memorial. My condolences to the author and others who knew Vega, it sounds like we've lost a good one.
For those interested, the writings referenced in the article can be found here:
https://warzonedistro.noblogs.org/post/2023/12/18/i-am-not-broken-anarc…
https://warzonedistro.noblogs.org/post/2023/12/19/grotesque-tranquility…
one more
anon (not verified) Thu, 06/13/2024 - 23:24
In reply to A beautiful memorial. My by EmmaAintDead
one more
https://warzonedistro.noblogs.org/files/2024/06/This-Bike-is-A-Pamphlet…
RIP Vega
Thank you for sharing this,
anon (not verified) Tue, 06/11/2024 - 18:17
Thank you for sharing this, Flower Bomb. My heart goes out to all who knew Vega.
RIP
anon (not verified) Wed, 06/12/2024 - 07:20
RIP
RIP
RC (not verified) Thu, 06/13/2024 - 12:39
RIP
Damn, I didn't know Vega
anon (not verified) Sun, 08/11/2024 - 18:17
Damn, I didn't know Vega passed. We exchanged a few words one time, he told me my poetry was good and that he loved it. I told him that after reading his work. RIP.
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